News and Notes From Around the Wednesday (09/29/21)
And Other News and Notes
(Photo: Brent Stirton/Getty Images)
It’s a good day to be a member of cable news as it turns out that members of Congress had no idea what was happening outside of the Capitol Building on January 6th until they saw it on TV. Politico has reported that the Department of Homeland Security issued a statement at 1:40 PM saying that, “There are no major incidents of illegal activity at this time.” Members of the DC police and of Congress would rebut this report with their own statement which said, “uhhhhhh, yeah there is.”
Lawmakers were most likely slow to the news because they couldn’t agree on which channel to watch. Democrats would have preferred CNN, Republicans would have preferred Fox News, while Trump Insurrectionists such as Kevin McCarthy, Josh Hawley, Mitch McConnell, and Ted Cruz likely pushed for no TV at all, citing it as a distraction, and saying in an old-timey voice, “there’s nothing to see here. Move along now ya hear, move along.”
Then-police chief Steven Sund can be credited for seeing it coming, reporting that at 12:52 PM he was feeling a historic case of the uh-ohs. By 12:53 PM, rioters had breached the perimeter of the Capitol building. At 12:58 PM, Sund did what no man would ever admit to doing and asked for help.
Included in the list of things the DHS considered “no major incidents of illegal activity” were; a suspicious package at the metro station, the Proud Boys attempting to shut off the water supply to Washington DC, a pipe bomb next to the Capitol Hill Club, and protesters with bats.
One DHS spokesperson declined to comment on the events of that day, but inside sources report that the official position of the DHS is; “Oops. My bad.”
OTHER NEWS AND NOTES
Salt Bae, the Turkish butcher who became notorious for simply putting salt on a steak, says that kids want to be him when they grow up. Word of wisdom to the kids out there; gross!
Dollar Tree, a store that sells everything for one dollar, will begin selling items that cost more than one dollar. Plenty of economists have been skeptical of the notion that capitalism has run amuck, but this right here seals the deal.
A new study from the Wall Street Journal shows that in a survey taken of women in the workforce, half of the respondents reported being burned out, while the other half of respondents were men taking credit for the women's responses.
What was once thought to be a planet turns out to be a really fucking big comet, and it’s heading right for Earth. So, for all you folks out there who voted for “Giant Meteor” in the 2020 election, rest assured that your vote really does matter.
Joe Manchin was recently asked by reporters about the conflict of interest that exists with his son owning the energy company that he started. The Democrat from West Virginia was able to filibuster his way out of responding.
Yes, she is so lucky, and yes, she is a star, but she has cried, cried, cried because her father is a raging dick. However, that could all end today, and millions of people across the world will be rooting for Britney Spears as a judge is set to rule on her father’s conservatorship.
