My wife, my lovely wife, went to the library and she came back with a metal detector. I asked her what book she got from the library and she said that she got a metal detector.
“I’ve never heard of that one, honey.”
“Honey, look —” and she entered the room and was holding a metal detector.
I lit up. “Hold on,” I said, “I’ll go get the shovel.”
I ran to the basement to look for the shovel and I couldn’t find it. You see, our basement is dark, even though there are lights. I looked and I looked and I couldn’t find the shovel when it dawned on me that part of the shovel was made of metal.
“Honey,” I said, winded from running up the stairs, “may I please use the metal detector?”
So I bounded down the steps of the basement again. It was still dark, and I didn’t know where the switch was to turn on the metal detector. I pushed this one and that one and none of them did anything. Or, they did, but the metal detector didn’t make a beep to instruct me that it was on. It was entirely possible, I thought, that this was an instrument that did not beep. That its primary function was beeping, and that maybe the manufacturer didn’t want anyone to be confused by any other beeping. I pressed all of the buttons and none of them beeped. I ran back up the stairs. I asked my wife, my lovely wife if she knew which button turned on the metal detector.
“It’s the one that beeps.”
A press and a beep and I was back on my way to the basement. I scanned the ground. I scanned the walls. There were beeps galore! And every time there was a beep I would go to the base of the stairs to see if what I had found was the shovel that I was looking for. After several tries, I succeeded. I ran upstairs with a shovel in one arm and a metal detector in another. This is how I would look if I were in a dystopian science fiction film. This was how I looked and I was living in reality, running up the stairs to my wife, my lovely wife.
“Would you like to shovel or detect?”
“Oh, honey,” I said, “I couldn’t bear the thought of taking away the joy of you with your metal detector. I will shovel. For you, I will do anything you need me to.”
My wife, my lovely wife, placed her finger on the trigger and there was a whirrrrrr WOOP WOOP WOOP sound. Less of a beep, and more of a whirrrrrr WOOP WOOP WOOP sound.
“I think you should dig here.”
“For you, I will do anything you need me to.”
And so I dug. I dug and there was nothing. And so I dug some more. After more digging, there was still nothing. I dug and then I dug, and I found a little toy car.
“Honey, do you think that this is what all that whirrrrrring and WOOP WOOP WOOPing was all about?”
My wife, my lovely wife, placed the metal detector over the little toy car and it did not whirrrrrr and it did not WOOP WOOP WOOP.
“I think you’ll need to keep digging.”
“For you, I will do anything you need me to.”
And I dug. I dug and there was still nothing. And so I dug some more. I dug and then I dug and then I dug some more. I still couldn’t find anything when I turned to my wife, my lovely wife, standing there shining like a woman would when holding a metal detector, and she said;
“Honey, we have been digging for so long that I am afraid it is time to return the metal detector.”
“But, instead,” I said, scrambling, “couldn’t we just check it out again?”
“Yes,” said my wife, my lovely wife, “yes we could.”
I looked above me and the hole that I had dug was steep. Miles. It was wide enough that the sun was still shining in, shining enough to shine on my wife holding the metal detector like a woman would when holding something she is so proud of. It would be a tough climb, but we had a spotless record with the library for returning things on time.
“It will be quite the journey.”
“For you, I will do anything you need me to.”
The ascent was steep, nearly vertical. I noticed that my pants were gathering dirt and in our house, we didn’t do dirty clothes. I continued the climb with just my hands. Day turned to night and night turned to day and eventually I made my way out of the hole. I made my way out of the hole and headed to the library with just a little bit of dirt on my knees.
“I would like to extend the amount of time that we are checking out the metal detector for.”
“Do you have the metal detector with you?”
...TO BE CONTINUED
Movie Mondays with Nate:
It’s the 21st century. A group of US Marines battle in space to destroy a space monster, when they get in the way of the Leprechaun who is in space so he can marry a princess so he can become ruler of the planet Dominia. They think they have killed the Leprechaun — wrong. The Leprechaun goes on board their space station to find the princess they have taken from him, where he’ll kill to have her taken back. — Ferris Bueller’s Day Off ☆☆☆